Here’s a sample from GiggleMed’s funny list of Things You Should Never Say to a Pregnant Woman

• You might want to get off of that thing, I think there’s weight limit
• Did you ever see Alien?
• I see swollen people
• I’m sure you’re having a boy… Women become much more beautiful when they’re having girls
• When can I come by for the placenta?
• Pregnant?! How did that happen?
• For you, the puffy and edematous look is quite becoming.
• You really shouldn’t complain so much… There are some species of salamanders that can remain pregnant for up to 38 months.
• Are you sure you’re only nine months pregnant?
• It is amazing how closely your ankles resemble the trunk of this one tree in my front yard.
• I’ll betcha I can hold my urine longer than you
• It looks like you only have one more month to go
• Yeah, but it’s a good kind of fat
• As soon as you give birth, these are the days you’ll miss
• Did you see that documentary on...

OK, so my wife is pregnant with #5. But, I have learned a lot since #1…

When we were med students, I made a comment that I thought she’d find funny. We were walking up a steep hill in the middle of Pennsylvania (an area I affectionately refer to as Pennsyltucky). My wife was 8 and a half months pregnant and visibly getting winded as we neared the top of the hill. I waited patiently… but waiting and silence, for me, is usually a bad combo. It’s usually a time that I try to make a joke – but not ideal because invariably, that’s a time when jokes are forced (and not spontaneous).

Nonetheless, I offered a point worthy of deep reflection… “Yeah, I know it must be tough, but at least we’re not salamanders. Apparently, some salamanders have a gestation period of up to 38 months.”

It didn’t go over well.

So, this time, with #5, I decided to get her some maternity humor gifts that I made with her in mind. No salamander...

It’s that time of month again… Let me rephrase that… Here’s another set of funny charting errors for you laugh about. Chart Farts® (: real stuff. real charts :)

• Indication for a CT: hypothesis
• Hispanic disorder has been stable here in the hospital.
• Admission weight = 832 lbs, Today’s weight = 81 Kg
• S/P condroversion
• Anti-stranded double DNA
• XRay report: Findings were compatible with the patient’s nurse
• Admission weight: 109 Kg Today’s weight: 11 Kg
• I know all about that alcohol, my father and my brother had the DDTs
• ER Chief Complaint: sterilization
• Mental status improved after discontinuing the sitter
• Chief complaint: Can’t hold water
• Prior arrest for sectional misconduct
• Fly-like symptoms
• Patient unable to sing
• I’m afraid to die of beeties.
• History of stool in his blood
• ROS: See patient for full details
• Would prefer Rocephin instead of cannolones
• Mediastentitis
• Integrilin drip for the next 3 months
• horniated disk
• ...

The call bell rings and it takes forever for the nurse to get there. But don’t blame the nurse, blame the overseers. They’re concerned with documentation, not patient care. You don’t need to actually do any nursing with diligence and care… You just have to rush through it and then spend hours documenting that you did it. There’s no time for call bells… that is, until some disconnected committee declares that call bell to room entry times need documentation too. And that, of course, will have a form, too.

Got an idea for a caption to go beneath this image of a call bell? Let us know. If we use your nursing comic caption, we’ll send you a funny “From the Call Bell” magnet (from the GiggleMed medical humor gift store).

We're midway through another month... so here are some more funny charting errors for you giggle about. Chart Farts® (: real stuff. real charts :)

• This patient would be a good candidate to be killed in PT
• Allergies: Cinglair
• Code was called for patient being found acystic
• Patient gets dilutional on Paxil
• He was told to have a heart attack in 1984. Subsequently he was treated with some pills for about a month or two by his family doctor.
• RN note: Large BM noted, Stage 2 stool noted left cheek
• blindness and depression in the left eye
• Order: Patient may go off floor to linen sale with sitter
• Allergies: statins - severe leg crap
• V tabulation
• Admission diagnosis: hyperglycemia, peeing over 5 minutes
• Please remove Foley at 6am. Notify urology if patient has not voided in 6 months.
• heroic vomiting
• parentinitis
• Chief complaint: kidney attack
• I immediately assisted the patient while lying supine on the floor
• high caliber stool
• He has 2 brothers who are hospital healthy
• surgery for very...

OK, it's time to revisit Stephen R. Covey's The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. Last time, we looked at nurses. But this time we're going to examine some habits of those doctors that get right under our skin, the annoying ones that everyone complains about, the doctors that are nowhere to be found in Mr. Covey's book. Just to help you identify the people we are talking about, here are the 7 Habits of Highly Annoying Doctors:

• Calling consults before even seeing the patient.
• Going on vacation without arranging coverage... assuming that residents or hospitalists will cover.
• Despicable penmanship.
• Using prohibited abbreviations (and then having the kahonies to get angry when nurses or pharmacists call them on it).
• Always being late for meetings, appointments, and important events. Always.
• Asking a staff member a question without greeting them first ("Hello", "Excuse me", "Pardon me", "I'm sorry to interrupt, but..." no greeting what so ever, none).
• Introducing themselves as...

We've all heard of Stephen R. Covey's The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People.  But what about all of those people that we work with in health care?... you know... those people that are nowhere to be found in Mr. Covey's book.  Just to make sure we're all talking about the same people, here are the 7 Habits of Highly Annoying Nurses:

• Just calling "to let you know".
• Writing "Doctor aware".
• Saying, "It's not my patient".
• Referring to patients by their room numbers and not knowing their names.
• Smoke breaks.
• Waiting until the end of their shift to start their charting.
• Writing that they "read back" an order, when they did no such thing.

Feel free to add others for consideration.  Send us an email or just post a comment below.  For those annoying nurses that took offense to this post... two things: (1) If you do three or more of the above, you have no one to blame but yourself, and (2) the next post is one that you'll love - The 7 Habits of Highly Annoying...

There are lots of things that leave you thinking, “TMI” when reading some tweets from the world of Twitter. And that’s fine… you wanna post something on Twitter, fine. Just do us all a favor and spare us these 21 Things You Should Never Tweet About Your Health:

• Your favorite urine sample flavor
• Ways you conned your doctor out of paying your copay
• Requests for more narcotics
• Your sputum quality index
• Your latest spot on the Bristol Stool Chart
• Mechanical home remedies for hemorrhoids (with or without step-by-step instructions)
• All of the reasons you enjoy kidney stone pain
• Stories of your favorite colonoscopy experience
• All of the things that fascinate you about boils and carbuncles
• A list of your favorite hospital odors and the source of their nostalgia
• The prevailing theories on why you get recurrent rectal abscesses
• Links to Flikr photos of the lesions you discovered in your armpit
• Your first thoughts upon tasting that drainage from your tooth abscess
• ...

I was thinking... then, I got to wondering... What would some of my favorite shows as a kid have looked like through the eyes of a specialist? I mean, everywhere I look I feel like I'm seeing medical disorders... so, what do the specialists see?