For those of you following @GiggleMed on Twitter, you may have noticed a new series of medical humor tweets that has emerged.

It all started with a committee meeting when I heard another physician say, “As far as I’m concerned, the doctors shouldn’t have to do anything.” I wrote that statement down and put it on my desk…

Over time, more quotes were added… specifically, quotes heard in the hospital that, without context, could be quite humorous. Well, here’s a sample of some of those hospital hallway funnies (with my comments in parentheses):

You might wonder what in the world this has to do with medical humor… but it’s too darn cute not to include.

Besides, if you think about it… toilets, kids, family meetings, death… all medically related…

It’s time for your mid-month dose of hospital chart bloopers (with my snide comments in italics and parentheses)… Here’s another set of funny medical malapropisms for you. Chart Farts® (: real stuff. real charts :)

• I had a bisectomy ’cause of all them damn kids (it’s a shame it wasn’t done a generation earlier)
• Condition on Transfer: Much better than on presentation
• Assessment: Palpitations – please see monitor (What’s next? Systolic murmur – go ahead and listen with a stethoscope)
• I had a cartridge taken out of my knee (I hear you get a rebate for recycling those at Staples)
• He is blind in his right prosthesis (Dude, everyone is blind in their prosthesis)
• Echo with tumor vs trombus (one of those Jamaican clots)
• Social history: He used to abuse drugs remotely (boy… the technology today…)
• ROS: Neurological – no ambition
• Based on lab data, he has a stable perianal itch. (Number 1 – Is an ‘itch’ ever stable? Number 2 – What lab data?!)
• Old Timer’s
• Oldheimer’s
• Discharge Diagnosis: Viral bacterial pneumonia
• Seashore disorder (We medical-types call them ’seizures’)
• Chief Complaint: Responsive
• Admission diagnosis: Seizurettes (We medical-types call them ‘girly man seizures’)
• History of bipolar diarrhea (You should see the manic phase)
• Failure to dehydrate
• He could not stop vomiting diarreah
• Electric lytes
• Cardiac capitalization
• Follow up with vascular urine
• Increased aggitation to sedation
• Height: 163cm, Weight: 10.3Kg, BMI 3
• We did not repeat an EKG because we have an EF from a month ago.
• history of peripheral vascular disease in both lungs
• She has a drug addition problem (1 dose of painkillers = 2 dilaudids, 2 percocets, & a sniff o’ glue)
• O2 sat: 110% on room air
• His culture grew citrus bacteria
• Nosacomical pneumonia (Not so ‘comical’ to the hospital bean counters)
• A chest CT on the 10th was negative for intracranial hemorrhage
• Europathy (Thankfully, President Bush is recovering… after those Freedom Biotics)

Follow me on Twitter for some hilarious Chart Farts® and random medical funnies:

OK, this isn’t a very long post… and it’s certainly not a usual GiggleMed-style medical humor post.

Instead, let’s call it a proposal. In light of all of the patients I have seen in the hospital with “shortness of breath” as their primary presenting symptom, I think it’s time for a new diagnosis… a new disorder… a new classification.

I really think doing so will help with complex Joint Commission issues, throughput, ER overcrowding, coding confusion and more. It will help admitting physicians, ER attendings, EMTs, and interns and residents.

So, here’s my proposal:

“COPD” should now stand for “Congestive Obstructive Pneumonia Disease”

This will allow ER doctors and admitting physicians to prescribe the “Shortness of Breath Shot Gun” with no qualms at all… no need for elaborate, detailed histories… a quick, selective “physical exam” will be all that is needed. The pre-printed orderset will be a snap… a Treatment Trifecta:

Antibiotics? – check

Steroids and nebs? – check

Diuretics? – check

A separate pathway for dialysis patients can include HD instead of diuretics.

Think how easy an admission would be.

And now, I’m working on the ultimate combo-pill… I was thinking that subspecialty services like heart failure, orthopedics, open heart surgery, and any other protocol-driven service could have one monster combination medicine… complete with each med written on the usual protocol… all delivered via patented, time-release capsules…

I imagine such a med would be so large that it would have to be delivered as a suppository…

That’s it! The Protocol Pellet ™

I don’t eat there often, but this most recent trip to McDonalds with my family was not without humor. My wife came prepared with green leafy vegetables and tomatoes… and me?… well I came prepared with a Flip Mino HD video camera and some pens.

Here’s the result…

Tony Below-Knee is a GiggleMed character whose name is derived from the GiggleMed authors’ favorite medical chart malapropism (chart fart)… “Baloney amputation”. Tony Below-Knee is a puppet made from a sock. His name is “Tony”, thus the voice.

Yes, there’s still some nerd in me. And that side of me came out when I was reading this list of “Silly Named Molecules”. This document is long, but it is conveniently broken down into sections for each substance. Just read the funny names of these compounds and molecules. Then read through the ones that interest you.

I’m sure most of you will read the sections on “Arsole”, “Fartox”, and “SnOT”, but I also got a kick out of “Betweenanine”, “Complicatic acid”, “Constipatic acid”, “Piano stool”, “Ptelefolone”, and, of course, “the Nano-Putians”.

Silly Named Molecules

Publish at Scribd or explore others: Published Research Academic Work silly named molecule organic chemistry

OK. I’ve been compiling a list of funny doctors’ names. Yesterday I asked the help of some of my tweeps (friends on Twitter), so the list grew. The list is divided into three: (1) Interesting or kinda cool, (2) Specialty-name matches that are either funny or scary (especially those damn urologists), and (3) The No-Comment List. I have about 7 more that belong on the No-Comment List of Doctor names, but are way too far over the edge for me to post.

1 – Interesting or Kinda Cool Doctors’ names:

• Dr. Doctor
• Dr. Payne (there are lots of these)
• Dr. Blood
• Dr. Ricketts
• Dr. Stump
• Dr. Croke
• Dr. Killie
• Dr. Poke

2 – Funny specialty-name matches that are either funny or scary:

• Dr. Love (cardiologist)
• Dr. Schpritz (urologist)
• Dr. Di(ana) Mort (oncologist)
• Dr. Plack (cardiologist)
• Dr. Slaughter (surgeon)
• Dr. Zipper (urologist)
• Dr. Moorkath (cardiologist… it’s all about the procedures, baby)
• Dr. Klutz (surgeon)
• Dr. Fingers (gynecologist)
• Dr. Richard Chopp (urologist… don’t believe me? click the link)
• Dr. Blinder (ophthalmologist)
• Dr. Nudelman (urologist)
• Dr. Butt (gastroenterologist)
• Dr. Redwood (urologist… no, not a veterinary urologist… get your mind outta the gutter)

3 – The No-Comment Doctors’ Names List:

• Dr. Young-Hyman
• Dr. Fatterpaker

Thanks again for all of your contributions. Here’s an article from American Medical News with some names I didn’t list and with more info about Dr. Richard Chopp’s marketing efforts. Dr. Chopp, if you happen to read this, I’d love to interview you for our GiggleMed Medical Humor Blog readers.

Get medical humor, nursing jokes, funny doctor stories, and health care bloopers by following @GiggleMed on Twitter. You can “follow” these funny micro-blog posts whenever and how ever you want. Here are some sample posts:

Follow GiggleMed and Get Chart Farts® on Twitter. Signing up for Twitter is free. Join now by clicking on this “Follow ME on Twitter” icon below:

Here’s a sample from GiggleMed’s funny list of Things You Should Never Say to a Pregnant Woman

• You might want to get off of that thing, I think there’s weight limit
• Did you ever see Alien?
• I see swollen people
• I’m sure you’re having a boy… Women become much more beautiful when they’re having girls
• When can I come by for the placenta?
• Pregnant?! How did that happen?
• For you, the puffy and edematous look is quite becoming.
• You really shouldn’t complain so much… There are some species of salamanders that can remain pregnant for up to 38 months.
• Are you sure you’re only nine months pregnant?
• It is amazing how closely your ankles resemble the trunk of this one tree in my front yard.
• I’ll betcha I can hold my urine longer than you
• It looks like you only have one more month to go
• Yeah, but it’s a good kind of fat
• As soon as you give birth, these are the days you’ll miss
• Did you see that documentary on elephant seals last night?
• So… you must be having twins
• Did they say it was human?
• It was an inney before, wasn’t it?

Got more? Post them in the comments below.

OK, so my wife is pregnant with #5. But, I have learned a lot since #1…

When we were med students, I made a comment that I thought she’d find funny. We were walking up a steep hill in the middle of Pennsylvania (an area I affectionately refer to as Pennsyltucky). My wife was 8 and a half months pregnant and visibly getting winded as we neared the top of the hill. I waited patiently… but waiting and silence, for me, is usually a bad combo. It’s usually a time that I try to make a joke – but not ideal because invariably, that’s a time when jokes are forced (and not spontaneous).

Nonetheless, I offered a point worthy of deep reflection… “Yeah, I know it must be tough, but at least we’re not salamanders. Apparently, some salamanders have a gestation period of up to 38 months.”

It didn’t go over well.

So, this time, with #5, I decided to get her some maternity humor gifts that I made with her in mind. No salamander references, though. (Click on the image if you know someone who might like these)

Here’s a sample from GiggleMed’s list of Things You Should Never Say to a Pregnant Woman:

• You might want to get off of that thing, I think there’s weight limit
• Did you ever see Alien?
• I see swollen people
• I’m sure you’re having a boy… Women become much more beautiful when they’re having girls
• When can I come by for the placenta?

I’ll post more in a few days. Got ideas? Post them in the comments section.