It’s time for your mid-month dose of hospital chart bloopers (with my snide comments in italics and parentheses)… Here’s another set of funny medical malapropisms for you. Chart Farts® (: real stuff. real charts :)

• I had a bisectomy ’cause of all them damn kids (it’s a shame it wasn’t done a generation earlier)
• Condition on Transfer: Much better than on presentation
• Assessment: Palpitations – please see monitor (What’s next? Systolic murmur – go ahead and listen with a stethoscope)
• I had a cartridge taken out of my knee (I hear you get a rebate for recycling those at Staples)
• He is blind in his right prosthesis (Dude, everyone is blind in their prosthesis)
• Echo with tumor vs trombus (one of those Jamaican clots)
• Social history: He used to abuse drugs remotely (boy… the technology today…)
• ROS: Neurological – no ambition
• Based on lab data, he has a stable perianal itch. (Number 1 – Is an ‘itch’ ever stable? Number 2 – What lab data?!)
• Old Timer’s
• Oldheimer’s
• Discharge Diagnosis: Viral bacterial pneumonia
• Seashore disorder (We medical-types call them ’seizures’)
• Chief Complaint: Responsive
• Admission diagnosis: Seizurettes (We medical-types call them ‘girly man seizures’)
• History of bipolar diarrhea (You should see the manic phase)
• Failure to dehydrate
• He could not stop vomiting diarreah
• Electric lytes
• Cardiac capitalization
• Follow up with vascular urine
• Increased aggitation to sedation
• Height: 163cm, Weight: 10.3Kg, BMI 3
• We did not repeat an EKG because we have an EF from a month ago.
• history of peripheral vascular disease in both lungs
• She has a drug addition problem (1 dose of painkillers = 2 dilaudids, 2 percocets, & a sniff o’ glue)
• O2 sat: 110% on room air
• His culture grew citrus bacteria
• Nosacomical pneumonia (Not so ‘comical’ to the hospital bean counters)
• A chest CT on the 10th was negative for intracranial hemorrhage
• Europathy (Thankfully, President Bush is recovering… after those Freedom Biotics)

Follow me on Twitter for some hilarious Chart Farts® and random medical funnies:

OK. This is disgusting…

I posted a question in Twitter where I asked people what they thought was growing on top of those hand gel dispensers. And a whole bunch of people sent me back some disgusting stories.

Not a week later… a friend of mine sees this (below) and sends me a picture from his iPhone. He had just finished seeing a patient in isolation for C.diff and almost swiped his hand across the top of someone’s drink that was resting on the isolation cart.

It got me thinkin’… maybe I should make pre-formatted PDFs for printing on stickers. Sure, we can write policy after policy… we can clean all of the cups up when the Joint Commissioners are on another floor… but if you really want to reach someone, do it with humor. I bet putting a C.diff sticker on that drink would do two things – (1) it would make them laugh, and (2) it would make them think.

If you have any ideas for stickers, let me know. In the meantime, I’ve posted a bunch of medical humor products that could serve the same purpose at the GiggleMed Store.

I toyed with the idea of a C.diff humor St. Patty’s Day promotion, but then came to my senses. Anyway, here’s the link:

Get medical humor, nursing jokes, funny doctor stories, and health care bloopers by following @GiggleMed on Twitter. You can “follow” these funny micro-blog posts whenever and how ever you want. Here are some sample posts:

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The call bell rings and it takes forever for the nurse to get there. But don’t blame the nurse, blame the overseers. They’re concerned with documentation, not patient care. You don’t need to actually do any nursing with diligence and care… You just have to rush through it and then spend hours documenting that you did it. There’s no time for call bells… that is, until some disconnected committee declares that call bell to room entry times need documentation too. And that, of course, will have a form, too.

Got an idea for a caption to go beneath this image of a call bell? Let us know. If we use your nursing comic caption, we’ll send you a funny “From the Call Bell” magnet (from the GiggleMed medical humor gift store).

We’ve all heard of Stephen R. Covey’s The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People.  But what about all of those people that we work with in health care?… you know… those people that are nowhere to be found in Mr. Covey’s book.  Just to make sure we’re all talking about the same people, here are the 7 Habits of Highly Annoying Nurses:

• Just calling “to let you know”.
• Writing “Doctor aware”.
• Saying, “It’s not my patient”.
• Referring to patients by their room numbers and not knowing their names.
• Smoke breaks.
• Waiting until the end of their shift to start their charting.
• Writing that they “read back” an order, when they did no such thing.

Feel free to add others for consideration.  Send us an email or just post a comment below.  For those annoying nurses that took offense to this post… two things: (1) If you do three or more of the above, you have no one to blame but yourself, and (2) the next post is one that you’ll love – The 7 Habits of Highly Annoying Doctors.  :0)

Imagine a FaceBook or a MySpace that centers around a theme you enjoy… You obviously find health care humor amusing or you wouldn’t be on this page, reading this post. GiggleMed.com is dedicated to relieving stress and burnout for health professionals through the use of humor. But why should you just wait for us to make something funny? You can add to the medical humor world yourself, by posting stuff you find funny or interesting. Here’s how…

It’s GiggleMed’s Medical Humor Social Network through a service called Ning. Here’s how it works. You join for free, choose a user name, and then start building you page/profile with easy-peasy built-in widgets.

You can set up a fully customizable profile with a funny photo, some basic information and everything you’ve contributed to the network. Your “friends” within the medical humor network can subscribe to your material and posts. Or they can just browse your profile and see what you found funny.

You can create groups inside of the social network around hobbies, interests, affinities, geographical locations and more. Imagine the fun you can have with old nursing school buddies, medical school friends, colleagues within your residency program, or other workers in your hospital.

You can get people talking. Start a discussion on any topic and watch other members respond with posts, photos and attachments.

Upload original footage or share videos from popular video services like YouTube, Google Video and Vimeo. You can see GiggleMed videos here before they are released to the public. And you can post your own. No complex scripts to learn, no programming languages to sift through… all easy clicks to have your friends laughing.

You can post photos and organize them into albums. You can show off your photos in galleries or slideshows.

You can use a Medical Humor “network badge” to display your stuff on your MySpace profile, blog or website. And you can share photos, videos and music from the social network on your Facebook profiles.

It’s a lot of fun… join today.