Here’s an account of the events that led up to the reporting of Kris Kringle’s medical record:
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‘Twas the call before Christmas - by GiggleMed.com

‘Twas the call before Christmas, when all through the floors
Not a patient was restless, not even Old Claus
The nurses were standing at the station, just chatting
each avoiding the word “quiet”, (…you know what could happen)

Med students were dismissed home early for the night
with pages of Cecil’s or Sabiston’s to get just right
And my resident in her long coat, and I in my scrubs
had just resigned our bodies to cold, cafe grub.

When from our pagers, there beeped such a note,
We flew from the lounge heading straight for the code
not the elevators (too slow), I hit the steps
time for some aerobics, then A-C-L-S.

The door to the unit slammed ‘gainst the wall
deepening a dent where it had hit before
When, what to my wondering eyes should manifest
But a pint-sized doc compressing a chest

With a shrill, firm voice, so demanding and loud
She called out: “Help. This guy’s really goin south!”
More rapid than docs, the nurses, they ran
and she yelled, and ordered, and gave them the plan.

“Now airway! now bag in/out! now you check a rhythm!
is it a-fib, is it v-tach, decide so we’ll know what to give ‘im!
drop the head of the bed, check a pressure (its low)
Then clear away, clear away, clear you schmoes!”

As charged paddles touched down on his hairy chest,
a jolting shock was nigh as buttons were pressed,
and up to the sky, the patient, he flew
We stared at the monitor to see what to do

And then, in flash, we saw on the screen.
The P,T, and QRS’s of normal sinus gleam.
As we checked a pressure, the patient was coming ’round
“Who are all of you and what happened to my gown?!”

Old Claus was naked, you see, from his head to his toe,
his gown cast off by the chest compression blows
a tray from a line lay on his belly
the thigh glistened with residual ultrasound jelly

His chest, how it heaved, his cheeks how hammy,
his hands were like ice, his skin cool and clammy.
His purple mouth pursed into an O,
and the hair on his head was damp you know

The edge of a mask was tight ‘gainst his mouth
but every so often it burped as he groused
He had a red face and a distended tummy
probably overinflated when he was doin’ crummy

His neck was obese and thick, veins full to the bone
And I cringed as the implications struck home
a roll of the eyes and his head drooped to his chest
all alerted us that there was no time to rest

He said not a word and we went back to work
and placed an ET tube, he didn’t jerk
and checking a pressure with a doppler probe
into the IV, thrombolytics soon flowed.

The doors opened, we heard the hiss of the vent
and away the bed rushed, like a post-call resident
But I heard the intensivist say as he checked access
“Cripes, look at this guy. Did anyone more clearly need prophylaxis?”

(c) GiggleMed.com

As with most journalism, for the moment, we’re all gonna have to say “Screw HIPAA”… GiggleMed.com has come across some disturbing medical records from one of the world’s most well-known personalities:

Let’s take a look to see some of the highlights (er, lowlights) from this man’s medical profile.

Obesity: January 3rd, 2001, Kris Kringle (his alias, I suppose) went to see his PCP, Dr. Klump, and is told he needs to lose at least fifty pounds to be within a safe weight range.

Diabetes: December 20th, 2004, Dr. Klump runs some tests and determines that Kris has very high blood sugar levels. The doctor urges him to be good this holiday season, and not indulge on snacks loaded with carbohydrates. On December 26th, 2004, Kris was admitted to the hospital after a night of cookie eating, complaining of dizziness.

Sleep Apnea: Mrs. Kringle calls Dr. Klump on March 15th, 2005 and asks what can be done about her husband’s snoring, as it worsens in his ‘off-season’. She noticed that during the snoring episodes, Kris stops breathing for a bit, and then resumes. She also reports him frequently “falling asleep at the reins”. The doctor advises that Mr. Kringle needs to lose wait, as he was instructed last year.

COPD/Emphysema: December 26th, 2005, Kris Kringle complains of coughing up excessive sputum. Dr. Klump vehemently suggests that climbing into chimneys and unnecessarily inhaling chimney soot is probably not the best thing for him to do. Kris also confesses to smoking a pipe almost every day for about ten years. Dr. Klump encourages smoking cessation and to consider home O2, but Mr. Kringle refuses, saying that the cord would slow him down. “Ho, ho… You don’t have a tube long enough, Doc.”

Chronic Back Pain: Kris returns to the office six days later because he has been experiencing sharp back pains for the past several months. He states they’ve become worse in the past few days. Dr. Klump reminds Mr. Kringle again that excessive weight is one of the main contributors to his chronic back problems. Weight loss is recommended for the third time, and he suggests using a lifting belt for heavy items, or receiving help from his ‘little assistants at the office’.

DVT: On December 27th, 2006, Mr. Kringle shows Dr. Klump extensive redness on his legs and calf tenderness. Upon examination, the doctor suggests that Kris spread his travel out over a period of a few weeks. Also, he questions why Mr. Kringle refuses to get a roomier sleigh.

Sacral Decub: Mr. Kringle is driven to Dr. Klump’s office by his wife on July 15th, 2007. He refuses to sit in the waiting room, opting instead to stand. Mrs. Kringle informs Dr. Klump that Kris has not left the bed very much since January, and he spends much of his days watching his It’s A Wonderful Life special edition DVD. He has a stage two bed sore. Dr. Klump sends Mrs. Kringle home with Desitin and DuoDerm patches, and reminds Mrs. Kringle that he grows tired of recommending physical activity to Kris.

Urinary Retention: Dr. Klump performs a checkup on Kris on June 20th, 2008, and needs a urine sample to check on Mr. Kringle’s diabetes. Mr. Kringle stated that he could not urinate because it hadn’t been a full twenty-four hours yet. Apparently, he had trained his bladder to hold a full days’ worth of urine. Dr. Klump advised that Mr. Kringle needed to void every few hours to prevent serious kidney problems and bladder infection. “Can’t you just give me one of them catheter tubes?”

Alcoholism: Dr. Klump had asked Kris to return the next day to provide the urine sample and some blood tests, and he obliged. Dr. Klump noted the high ethanol levels in the blood. He rationalized that those sweet rosy cheeks were not just a result of blushing or cold weather. He called Mr. Kringle to urge him to lay off the booze, especially this holiday season.

A Host of Psychopathologies: Though up to this point Dr. Klump had entertained most of Mr. Kringle’s delusions, he became quite concerned when Mrs. Kringle called in early December of 2008. Apparently, Kris had been roaming around the house, mumbling something about a red lightbulb. He was later discovered in the forest preserve, fitting a buck with man-made antlers.

Mrs. Kringle later confessed that Kris had spent some time in an institution, but for insurance purposes, used a different name. Upon further investigation, Dr. Klump uncovered a long profile for a patient named Babbo Natale, a.k.a. Kris Kringle.

Apparently, “Babbo” had been arrested for breaking into homes, and leaving gifts around the home, both wanted and unwanted. The charges were later dropped since nothing had been taken, save for a few cookies and carrots, but admission to a facility was recommended. While undergoing treatment, Babbo/Kris became nervous around October because nothing was getting done, as he kept repeating to himself. In his room, sketches of toys were found all over. Babbo was released the following year but not without leaving his mark. Staff reported that from February until September, he would sit in his room and cry, and in November, he became violent, yelling for someone to notify the elves that they were on their own this year.

Sources reveal that, today, upon glancing at his calendar, Dr. Klump shuddered as he saw the date December 22nd staring back at him. He packed up his house and his office, and moved far, far away.

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If you’re not following @GiggleMed on Twitter, you are missing out on a series of hilarious medical humor tweets - Hospital Hallway Funnies.

It all started with a committee meeting when I heard another physician say, “As far as I’m concerned, the doctors shouldn’t have to do anything.” I wrote that statement down and put it on my desk…

I have since collected hundreds of quotes… specifically, quotes heard in the hospital that, without context, could be quite humorous. Here’s a recent sample from my Twitter posts:

Hospital chart bloopers (with my under-the-breath side-comments in italics) - it’s time for another dose… Worth revisiting some from prior posts. All of these funny medical malapropisms come from real hospital charts. Not ideal, but true… Chart Farts® (: real stuff. real charts :)

• Chief complaint: stomach blotting (I don’t know what you’re complaining about… there are times where blotting may be appropriate.)
• Order: Check Billy Reuben (Well, where the heck is he?!)
• Chief complaint: Possible infected rig (If you’re calling it a “rig”, it’s probably infected.)
• Cronnies disease (Much higher incidence in hospital administrators, by the way.)
• Regurgitated heart valves (The most unique party trick I’ve seen in years.)
• R groin hermitoma (No hermit crabs jokes, please… this is a family blog.)
• Allergies: PCN & aspirin - Meds at home: NPH insulin & aspirin (Let me guess… reason for admission: anaphylaxis.)
• The patient has a long history of smoking. He smoked at least one pack of pulmonary embolisms per day. (Livin’ on the edge… flirting with death.)
• She has a decreased appetite with increased food intake. (OMG! I do too!)
• Afib - likely secondary to tachycardia
• ID recommendations were to preoperatively administer prophylactic antibiotics to protect the hospital from hospital-acquired organisms (Freudian slips from Risk Management.)
• Nurse to husband of a patient with respiratory distress: Do you want Dr Smith to impregnate your wife? (Ummm… no. But how about if Dr Smith intubates my wife.)
• Mr. H complains of PND and a non-productive couch (Couch potatoes all across the country are relieved to discover that their lack of productivity actually comes from the couch, itself.)

Follow me on Twitter for some hilarious Chart Farts® and random medical funnies:

Click the Twitter button above… or, better yet, Follow me and retweet all with one click with Viral Tweets below…

Share any medical chart funnies you’ve seen with thousands of other GiggleMed readers, and I’ll give you a gift… Once you submit an original chart fart™, you’ll be redirected to your bribe free gift… a funny medical humor PDF download about all the signs that shouldn’t eat the hospital food.

I just posted a new Chart Farts® video on YouTube…

It has all of the usual (hilarious) samples from the Chart Farts® collection… but this one has a twist at the end that will cause a small subset of you will wet yourself when you see it. The rest of you will just wonder… WTF? (hint: you have to be older than 30 to get it… or have some weird fascination with watching re-runs of old, 1980s sitcoms)

In any case, the Joint Commission won’t like it…

But hey, I laugh at doctor jokes… nurses laugh at nurse jokes…

(: medicine is fun again :)

Medical humor comes in all forms. And we love most of it… but the funniest of all medical humor seems to be that stuff that is real, and at the same time embarrassing, yet harmless. Chart Farts® are just that…

Medical malapropisms that were really put on charts or said by health practitioners or patients… And with the exception of an occasional reader becoming incontinent, no one was hurt by the error.

Here’s Chart Farts ® Issue #2 posted on YouTube…

There are many ways for you to enjoy Chart Farts®

• Chart Farts homepage
• Chart Farts Blog Posts - GiggleMed’s “chart farts” category for blog posts
• Chart Fart Art Posts - GiggleMed’s “chart farts” put to funny healthcare comics
• Medical Humor Tweets - Follow @GiggleMed on Twitter
• Funny Healthcare Videos on YouTube
• Medical Malapropisms on Squidoo
• Chart Farts Gifts - funny gifts - hats, mugs, stickers, bags, t-shirts, and more
• Chart Farts are also available in fortune cookies for large events… soon to opened up to everyone, even as single gifts

It’s time for your mid-month dose of hospital chart bloopers (with my under-the-breath side-comments in italics)… Here’s another group of funny medical malapropisms for you. All of these are from real hospital charts. Not ideal, but true… Chart Farts® (: real stuff. real charts :)

• Analpril 1.25mg Q8hrs (Is that for hyper-sphincter-tension?)
• Nasal packaging
• Nasal fungal cream
• He lives with his finance (So… are you thinking about your patient or the stock market?)
• Retrocele (Now in paisley!)
• Secular aneurysm (Will need intervention from the Surgical Right)
• She is on 93 Liters of oxygen (All of the latest hospital facilities come with wind tunnels)
• Wingworms (Sounds like something from the Princess Bride)
• Bypolor
• He has recently been on both aspirin, Plavix, prednisone, and Coumadin
• “Pain med: “”given”" Where/route: “”in room”" (Well… Thank you Nurse Sherlock)
• Breeding ulcer (No comment… uh… ok, one comment… We should discuss strategies on lower k values.)
• ROS: Unobtainable secondary to patient’s mental status change and I am unable to follow commands. (I bet)
• Chief complaint: Clogged tube (You’re gonna have to be a little more specific)
• Chief complaint: uncontrollable bowel movement (Like that damn pink little bunny with the drums)
• Uncontrolled left labrial cellulitis
• Buttock, lower back, and neck pain from assa (I’m not quite sure what assa is, but it should probably be taken off of the market)
• Chief complaint: Debility
• Pericardial tachycardia
• Reason for ER visit: Dates and anatomy (Dude, now that’s high risk behavior if I ever heard it)
• History of psychoptosis (Doesn’t it sorta suck when your brain explodes?)
• History of bump bleedin
• chronic obesity (As opposed to the much more shocking acute form)
• Will sue high dose furosemide to force diuresis
• Hide-a-scan
• Bi geminis (Not that there’s anything wrong with that… at least if your EF is okay)
• History of grouch in my feet (Grouch, gouch, the gout… it’s all the same)
• Mr. H is an 823-year old Caucasian male patient who was actually transferred here from another hospital.
• Bariatric enema (Every nurse’s nightmare)

Follow me on Twitter for some hilarious Chart Farts® and random medical funnies:

Click the Twitter button above… or, better yet, Follow me and retweet all with one click with Viral Tweets below…

Next week is National Nurses Week.  Now I hope you’re prepared… Many of you will see some horrendous  “gifts” given by hospitals to the nursing staff.  To preempt these Nurses Week gift atrocities, here is a list of gifts you really should never give to a nurse on Nurses Week… actually, ever:

1 - An engraved bed pan

2 - Breath mints packaged in cute little specimen cups

3 - An ink stamper that reads: “Verbal order. Repeated and read back.”

4 - A coffee mug for the nurse’s station that reads: “JCAHO Schmayko”

5 - A coupon for free biohazzard tattoos

6 - The unveiling of yet another form for nurses to fill out “to make things easier”

7 - Buttons that read: “Doctor’s Little Helper”

Post some real-life ridiculous gifts you’ve seen in the comments below.

Watch for awesome freebies coming on Monday, May 4th for you to give away to your nursing friends and colleagues… just to say thanks during Nurses Week.